Kelli Croyle shares a powerful message about fear, fantasy and fatigue.
My in-law’s live just a mile down the road, and they have bean bags, you know the huge bean bags that all of us could probably fit into. One of my sons, Luke, got this obsession with front flips, so he would run as fast as he could across the playroom, do the front flip, and then thankfully, he would land on these bean bags. He flipped over and over and over and over again.
When he got home from my in-law’s house one afternoon, Mrs. Tee (my mother in law) said, “He’s yours! I am not watching another front flip and holding my breath again!” He walks straight in the door of our house, runs upstairs to our TV room, pulls down their bean bag (actually throws the bean bag down the stairs), brings it into our bedroom and the same thing happens. He runs to the bean bag, flips, backs up, runs to the bean bag and flips. For days, it was the same thing. I think he did 2,000 – 3,000 front flips.
One morning before school he says, “Mom, mom, mom, how much time do I have to do my front flips?” At this point, I want to just deflate the bean bag, take the beans out and say, “Sorry buddy, it’s beyond repair.” Every time he does a flip I hold my breath, so I have lost brain cells from watching this. But, I tell him, “You’ve got 15 minutes buddy, 15 minutes.” He fixes his hair and off he goes. He takes off into the bedroom and I hear BAM!
I just knew it was his head. With Luke, if he hits his head, the injury will be to his skull. So I run in there and of course I want to console him, so as I do so, he stands up with no tears and says, “Why did God take away my front flips?”
Haven’t you thought that? Maybe not about a front flip but, “God why have you put me here? God do I have what it takes?” I know we all have. That’s a funny story, but even at our age, we ask that question.
We recently went skiing and I know for some of you maybe the beach is your thing and I get it, it’s cool to walk on sand and know that God truly knows the number of grains of sand under your feet and it’s truly beautiful, but for us, it’s the mountains. I love, absolutely love, seeing mountains. It does something to my soul. It reminds me how great He is. So we get on the ski lift and when you get to the slopes, they are labeled green (it’s easy, you’re going to survive), blue (hmm 50/50 chance), black (you’re going to die). Which one do you think my boys ski? The black. So we get off the ski lift and I’m crying and emotional because I think it is truly the most beautiful site. And then I realize that I have skis on my feet and I have to get down. So we get to the top and, of course, there’s a sign pointing to the left that says, “Let’s go the easy route.” My boys immediately say, “Dad, dad, we aren’t taking that route!” In my mind I’m thinking, “Oh, I’m going to the left.” But then who’s going to pick up all the stuff they lose going down the slopes? Me. So off we go to the right, the black. We get to the top of the slope and, immediately, instant fear. Not only am I worried about me, but I’m worried about my husband and the 11 surgeries he’s had. He’s a little more frail than he gives himself credit for! I’m checking helmets, then I look down and I am terrified. Kelli is fearful. I don’t just feel it, I am fear. It’s not just an emotional response. Kelli is fear.
Boom, off they go.
Immediately, I begin fantasizing about the what-ifs and the what-if-nots. What if Sawyer does not miss that tree? What if Luke decides to go off the cliff? What if Brodie decides he’s still got it, because he reminds me all of the time that he was a professional athlete, and what if he goes too fast and injures himself?
I’m full of fear and now I’m fantasizing about all the things that could happen in the future. My imagination is running wild. Do y’all do that? One thing happens, and instantly, you are overcome with fear, you fantasize about all the what-ifs and all the what-if-nots, and then you just live in that fantasy. By the end of our time skiing, I have fantasized about broken bones, skull fractures, avalanches, literally every worst case scenario. All while saying to myself, “By the way Kelli, you’re skiing, get yourself together. You’re the mom; who will do the laundry if you break your arm?”
By the time I get to the bottom of the mountain, I am exhausted.
I am emotionally so full of fear and I have fantasized about every possible negative occurrence, that I am fatigue. So Kelli has gone from fear, and is now fatigue.
Meanwhile, my boys turn around and say, “Are you ready for the next slope?!”
Think about that story as it applies to life. Real life happens and we are fear and then because we are fear, we are fantasizing about everything that is going to happen because of that fear. And by the end of it, we are so tired that we are completely ineffective.
That’s where the enemy wants us to stay.
He wants you to be paralyzed with fear. He wants your imagination to run so wild with the fantasies, the what-ifs, the what-if-nots, the oh-by-the-ways, that you are fatigued. You are weary. And that’s where he wants you. We can feel those emotions, but we cannot become them.
So when I think about how we frame our minds, I think about picture frames. We have them all over our house and we frame the things that we like, right? The use of the frame brings focus to what’s in the center of it. It brings value to that picture. It protects it. And we have the power to do that with our thoughts. The Holy Spirit empowers us to frame our minds well.
What are you bringing value to? What are you focused on? What are you protecting? If you are living in fear and you’re fantasizing about everything that’s not going to happen, and you are so tired that you are fatigued and ineffective, the enemy just runs wild.
A part of Ascend (our life skills preparation training for our college kids), we meet monthly to discuss how they are doing spiritually, personally, educationally, at work, and so on. One of our young men said he had something to share so he gets his book bag and pulls out his notebook, flips to a specific page, and he said, “It’s about Noah.” Admittedly, I doubted where he was going with it, but I just continued to listen. He said, “Well, we all know the story, but I went back and I read it again, and I don’t know Mrs. Kelli, it really did something for me.” He said, “Can you imagine how fearful Noah was? Can you imagine while he was building day in, day out, he was fantasizing about the day it was never going to rain? Mrs. Kelli, don’t you know he was tired? I just feel like I’m kind of like Noah. I’m doing the things that nobody thought I could.”
I love that story so much because as I think about it over and over again, I’m reminded that this young man has specifically chosen not to frame his mind with fear, and not to frame his mind with fantasy despite having walked through tremendous hardship throughout his life.
In so many places, Scripture encourages us toward faith:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
This quote continues to replay in my mind…“Our diligence and loyalty are important to God. His indwelling Spirit empowers us to remain devoted. But we must cooperate by being alert to the enemy’s distractions.”
There is tremendous power in our thoughts. If we let our minds remain in a place of fear and fantasy, we fall to the enemy’s distractions which leave us ineffective and unproductive. That is not what God wants from us.
In Matthew 16, Peter confesses that Jesus is the Messiah. Jesus asks His disciples, “Who do you say I am?” Simon Peter answers ,”You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.”
And, then, verses 21-23.
“From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!” Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”
When we hear something that we don’t like or we don’t want to hear, our immediate response is often, “No, that is not going to happen.” I think all of us can identify with Peter here in this scripture. We question, wonder why, and rebuke. Peter was framing his thoughts in fear and then he was fantasizing what life would be like without Jesus.
Peter couldn’t see to the other side yet, but Jesus could.
Peter was framing his thoughts with the fantasy of not having Jesus, with fear of not being able to function without Him. And Jesus is seeing the other side, knowing the victory.
Guys, I can’t talk to you about this if it hasn’t been me. When Brodie looked at me and said, “Oh, by the way, we are going to leave Tuscaloosa and I’m not going to do real estate anymore because we’re going into ministry,” I was afraid. For years, that’s what I had prayed for. But when it happened, immediately, Satan began attacking my mind. I remember stacking the boxes like, “Satan, you will not win this.” I had to consistently recall that Jesus called us. We were not equipped to do it, but I had to trust that Jesus would equip the called. He was not calling us because we were ready, He was calling us because we trusted that He would give us what we needed.
I want to end with a story that truly was life changing. It changed how I see my Redeemer.
Luke was almost three. We were building a dock and structure on the water for our boat, and it was taking longer than expected. We got to the point where we could actually use the structure, but there were some parts that weren’t completed yet. There was a piece of scaffold, twenty-one feet long and weighed sixty pounds, which was secured to the top of the structure. As we pulled our boat up one night, the lift was giving us problems, so Brodie had to flip the switch in the box. He climbed up the scaffolding to flip the switch. The next day we were at the pier and one of our boys says, “Hey dad, you know how you jumped off the scaffolding last night, can we do that?”
Moms, what do you think I said? “Absolutely, no!” Then Brodie responds with, “Oh c’mon babe, we are wild at heart, you gotta let them jump!”
Three hundred and seventy-two jumps later, we spent an entire summer jumping off the scaffolding. The beginning of August rolls around and we have some supporters out on the boat with us. We have a great time, and as we were getting out of the boat, one of the older boys with us says, “Mrs. Kelli, can I jump off of the scaffolding?” I’m going to be the cool one and I respond with, “Sure, let me see how high you can jump.” So he climbs up the scaffolding, and as he jumps off, he takes his weight too far forward. My sons, Sawyer and Luke, jump in the water and suddenly the scaffolding tumbles, rolling as if in slow motion. That scaffolding landed right on top of our youngest son, Luke’s, head. All I see is exposed skull. Fear. My thought is immediately, “What am I going to do without you?”
By the time we get him to the pier, I am so full of fear and I have fantasized about not having him so much that I can barely stand up. My friend calls 911. As the first responders took him, Luke looked up at me and said, “Mommy wipe it off.” I said, “Baby, I can’t wipe it off.” But in that moment, my response was, “Jesus, don’t take my son.”
Overwhelmed. Afraid. Fantasizing about not hearing mom a million times a day. Fatigue. Standing in a hospital in a wet swimsuit, t-shirt and no shoes, I collapsed.
And then we begged, “Jesus don’t take our son, don’t take our son.”
What did I learn from that moment? That I have to constantly choose to frame my mind with faith over the fear, over the fantasy, over the fatigue, and I would have had to be okay if He chose to take him. That’s what I learned. I would have had to have been okay.
My son surviving that accident was a miracle. And, that next summer, I chose to be baptized again in the exact spot where I saw my son suffer. How I see my Creator and my Redeemer, it shifted that day.
And so, I want to leave you with this.
God shows up. He always does. It might not be on your timeframe, but He shows up.
The cross was central to Jesus’ purposes on Earth. Peter’s statement in Matthew 16 essentially tempted Jesus to evade the cross. Don’t let your frame of mind be a temptation to evade your calling and your purpose.
Be aware. When Peter attempted to change Jesus’ focus, it served as a temptation to change the faith that He had in His father. Peter unwillingly became a spokesperson for satan.
Don’t allow your emotions to be a spokesperson for satan.
